You know that show about America’s dumbest criminals and the stupid things they’ve done? Well, it turns out that it isn’t just the evildoers who can be idiots, but the do-gooders as well. Allow me to relay a story to you.

Yesterday, our hero was withdrawing money from his bank’s indoor ATM. He went into the main lobby to do some other business, and upon exiting the bank, he heard the beeping of the ATM machine. Someone had left their card in the machine!

His superhero instincts kicking into gear, Hero quickly grabbed the card and ran inside after the last person who entered the main lobby from the ATM area.

“Sir!” he exclaimed. “You left your card in the ATM!”

The startled man, also a hero in disguise, looked at the card and said, “That’s not me.”

Hero thanked him for his honesty, and while he was happy that he had found a fellow do-gooder, Hero decided to simply turn in the card to the upstanding bank teller and leave it up to the bank to finish the task. He felt satisfied that he had fulfilled his responsibility and went about his business.

Later that day, Hero went to pay for something else and found his own ATM card missing. After looking in his car, his hero bag, and Mrs. Hero’s purse, it dawned on him: “Perhaps I should have looked at the name on that ATM card.”

Had he done so, he would have realized that he turned in his own ATM card to the bank’s lost and found.

Yes, that’s right. I am Hero. And I’m an idiot.